Field Notes on Love and Compassion

More than a month ago I wrote a little bit about "Field Notes on the Compassionate Life" by Marc Ian Barasch. I finished the book, but ran out of time to write about it before I left for a trip to Wisconsin. I was hopeful I could put some new thoughts, new lessons on radical empathy into practice there. The author wrote this book of field notes because he wanted to find out how to be compassionate. It was full of questions, and he sought answers from the experts, either those who studied the science of the heart, or those who were acknowledged to be extraordinarily giving by folks around them. Marc asks, "It's a perennial question about the amplitude of compassion and the carrying capacity of the heart: Do we only have a fixed quota of loving to allocate between family and the world at large, so that if one receives more, the other gets less?" (p. 181) I had a similar question as I headed back for my family visit, I who talk much about it being all about love: Can I be a lover to my birth family?

I was anxious about visiting Wisconsin. When I got there, I felt like I was in a different country. I truly am a Wisconsin expatriate. I was reminded of one radically empathic person interviewed by Barasch, I think he was a rabbi. He gladly indiscriminately dispensed compassion to all, but confessed he did take St. John's Wort for depression. It isn't easy loving all. I did manage to have some connective conversations with my stepfather, and afterward my mom said it made her happy when we talked more. She clearly didn't know how uncomfortable those conversations made me, and I didn't want her to know. On the one hand I thought it was good he seemed to want to connect with me, on the other, the weird warped craziness around alcoholism that is viewed as normal was very difficult to be around. I needed daily conversations with my loved ones back home in Portland.

My visit there sparked thoughts about the difference between urban and rural folk. As far back as the Silk Road, cities have been places where people had to get along if trade was to flourish. People had to get along if they were going to live so closely together. Folks in the country must rely upon themselves for defense, and will often resort to aggressive strategies. I could not go back to the xenophobic, insular society that is found in much of rural Wisconsin. That low buzz of paranoia and racism never lets up. I've heard about Madison, a small haven for progressives, but even there, a few years ago myairportt shuttle driver said, "Yeah, we have some freaks here." (meaning folks like me.) I am still pondering this city mouse/ country mouse difference.

This "carrying capacity of the heart" was significant to me. We polyamorists often encounter the prejudice that it must be unnatural to love more than one person. We commonly counter that with the parent/child analogy. When a parent has a second child, she doesn't worry about having less love available for the first. Really, and this is a very Buddhist construct, the most limiting notion of love is in our own minds. While outsiders glance at this growing subculture and dismiss it as hedonistic or as overrun with jealousy because we're 'wired' to be monogamous, we who experience it and take the time to work the knots out of our societal conditioning find love grows the more one gets practice at loving more than one. Jealousy is understood to be a knot of karmic conditioning that needs untangling. The untangling process reveals fears and insecurities than can be addressed and they dissipate naturally or with a little encouragement, a little changing of mind.

Much of spiritual tradition separates love of humanity from romantic love and sexual love. In my experience they do not need to be mutually exclusive. More thoughts on that soon....

One: The Musical

Like many North Americans, I love a good story that ends well. Even though they're fluff, I watch a shallow romantic comedy now and then. There are movies that aspire to a deeper message, but still there's that overlay of a simple archetypal story. Same with theater. I've come to appreciate the gift of theater over a movie...a live show, dedicated people putting on seemingly flawless performances, the creativity and physics involved in staging...there are the same archetypal plots, but the beauty is in the performance and the ingenuity.

So, while I refrained from mentioning it (or "Hair") in my article about it for the NW Dharma News, I am delighted that we Buddhists get our "Jesus Christ Superstar," and it was born here in Portland.

One: The Musical is showing in Portland in mid-September, the brain-child of Wade McCollum. In my research, I found Wade's biggest cheerleader to be Joseph Gallivan of the Tribune. Sure enough, this week he has gushing things to say about Wade and his pitch for the musical. The group needs money if they are going to put on a good show.

I haven't met Wade, and briefly met dedicated members of the Insight Out Theatre Collective, but heck, this is a modern Buddhist musical so I'm inclined to like it. I hope my endorsement will help them bring in some money so they can put on a really good show.

Here's what I wrote for the NW Dharma News:

ONE: A Revelation Has Begun

Bodhisattvas take many forms. Venerable Thich Nhat Hanh has said the next Buddha could be born as a community. Portland may well be the birthplace of a Bodhisattva in the form of…a modern American rock musical. ONE ~ The Musical: A Revelation Has Begun will show in Portland’s newly renovated Wonder Ballroom from September 15 to October 1. Inspired by the story of Siddhartha, ONE follows the journey of a modern day youth, Sid Arthur. A musician, Sid is faced with choosing fame and duplicity, or listening to his community and following the music of truth in his heart. Integrating Eastern and Western philosophy, music, and dance, the Insight Out Theatre Collective hopes the musical will "create a space for dialog, celebrating the contrast and harmonies of disparate belief systems." They say "ONE opens the door for sharing ideas, perspectives and stories of many kinds, thus enriching its message of connection."

The author and lead actor Wade McCollum has been writing ONE for over ten years. He co-wrote the music with Eric Nordin. Earlier incarnations of the musical were produced by Stark Raving Theater in 1999 and Insight Out in 2003. An award-winning actor in Portland and LA, Wade McCollum earned effusive reviews not only for his acting in the leads of "Bat Boy" and "Hedwig and the Angry Inch," but for his charismatic presence. "He speaks softly, and with an enthusiasm for humanity you don’t often see in actors on the way up. …Look out for him. As they say around here, he’s the shiny one." said Joseph Gallivan of the Tribune.

Wade McCollum shared some thoughts with me on finding his inspiration in the story of the Buddha. In creating ONE, he wanted to address the challenges of living in the modern world, and so wished "to highlight the journey of self-realization within an urban context." It is not meant to be a traditional telling of the story of Siddhartha, but it does explore the ideas and discoveries inherent in Buddhist thought. Wade said, "How do we find the peace that Siddhartha found beneath the Bodhi tree, underneath a skyscraper?"

He says, "We consistently affirm throughout the show the quintessential discovery of interconnectedness. This fundamental unity is the affirmation of the show. …I feel that ONE is an important meditation on how the personal relates to the whole. People so often are told, "don't try to change the world, just change yourself." And yet, this often is followed by feelings of complacency rather than evolutionary momentum. I feel that ONE showcases the power in changing the collective through personal stillness, refinement and reflection. Beginning the revelation of interconnectedness, and beginning the shift in perspective to an uncompromising seat within infinite intelligent love."

Field Notes on the Compassionate Life

A couple of months ago I attended a panel discussion by a few religious leaders in Portland, and wrote on it for the Northwest Dharma News. I am reading the book they were talking about, or were inspired by, as the case may be. Now that I am reading it, I realize one way they did not do it justice is in conveying the multitude of stories that fills the pages. I feel like I've been carpet-bombed, not with deadly things but with compassion, love, loving-kindness, forgiveness, and radical empathy. I do find myself wondering, what would this man say about the burgeoning movement of polyamory? Because as I read it I find myself thinking, oh yeah, i recognize that, thanks to learning from love in so many ways from living polyamorously. More on that when I finish the book. For now, here is the article about the author visit that got cancelled:

Author Marc Ian Barasch cancelled much of his book tour to attend to his dying mother, but in Portland the April event still occurred without him, with his encouragement. In “Field Notes on the Compassionate Life,” the author looks to history, science and personal stories to draw out the subject. Portland’s event included a panel of a Christian teacher, a rabbi, and three Buddhist teachers. Together they offered perspectives on compassion as related to their religious traditions, and then opened it to questions from the audience.

Kyogen Carlson read a statement by Marc Barasch. He began with a quote from Rumi, “Gamble everything for love, if you are a true human being. …You set out to find God, but then you keep stopping for long periods at mean-spirited roadhouses.” The theme was captured with a quote from Marc’s mother a few weeks before her death, “I love to love.” Marc said that the “underlying principle of compassion is radical empathy.” The book, admired by all those on the panel, is full of stories of radical empathy in action.

Gyokuko Carlson [in link, 3rd photo down] moderated. Lama Michael Conklin focused on the selflessness of the people in the book, remarking on their happiness. He advised that if we wished to accomplish such altruism, we “hold the view that who we are is a reflection of our bundles of self.” I understood him to mean we could cultivate selflessness through deeply understanding the transient nature of self.

Rabbi Aryeh Hirschfield reminded us of the parting of the Red Sea, and related how ancient Jewish teachers reflected on the suffering of the Egyptians. He spoke of a passage in the book on a program devoted to resolving differences between Israeli and Palestinian children, and their visit to the Holocaust Museum in New York. An Israeli girl is overcome with emotion and leans on a Palestinian girl. Meanwhile a Palestinian writes in Arabic in the guestbook, “Death to all Jews.” Rabbi Hirschfield reflected that as so often happens they could only see pain as a reflection of their own pain, and not the same pain.

Later, Kyogen Carlson referred to the same passage: later in the program an offhand remark, “well maybe one less bomber,” caused a Palestinian girl to find that empathy, when she vividly understood, “you think we’re all terrorists.”

Jacqueline Mandell told a touching story from her own past. She grew up in the rural south, with the Ku Klux Klan marching regularly in the streets. When Jacqueline’s grandmother first moved there, she quickly learned that generosity must be secret when she was informed by neighbors she must never pay her maid overtime. When Jacqueline first encountered Buddhist teaching on generosity in Bodh Gaya, India, she broke down and cried in recognition. She found a home in that open-hearted generosity, and wanted no more secrecy.

Paul Metzger, Ph.D., Assistant Professor of Christian Theology at Multnomah Biblical Seminary, focused on stories of Christians in the book. He told of a German Christian who stood in opposition to Hitler, and a Christian man who was called by God to work on race reconciliation after being nearly beaten to death.

Questions to the panel consistently carried the theme, “How do I incorporate this in my own life?” Responses in essence were, “Cultivate the intention, and remember we all struggle.” Rabbi Hirschfield said that for him it was a “constant mantra.” He spoke of “plowing and seeding the field of my soul,” and cultivating a “constant repetition of that attitude.” He said, “There is no place the divine is not…and each moment can reveal the divine.” Dr. Metzger went further than the book, believing an important task is learning “how to work together while holding our differing beliefs.”

Guilt, Gratitude and a Full Life

Please pardon me if I ramble, I must dash in twenty minutes. I've gone through a flurry of housekeeping in the last couple of weeks, and plan to do more. It's funny how an accumulation of things will stick around in my house because I feel I ought to keep them. There's the ubiquitous gifts from family that don't quite fit me, we all do that. There's the things I mean to get to, and I hang on to them because I'm not only holding on to the physical stuff, but to the myth that I really will get to them.

I'm ready to dump the guilt. I did so with two boxes of magazines. I've been subscribing to The Writer and Poets and Writers Magazine for several years. (My husband said, "You carry a lot of guilt about writing, don't you?) I really used to read magazines, but somehow when I started getting these a few years back, I ran out of time for them. So I let them pile up. And I kept them because I thought they'd contain valuable knowledge for me, a writer. So there's an added guilt, as my husband could see, that I wasn't really supporting my writing, wasn't really pursuing it and giving it the chance it deserved. Then there's the other guilt, the Buddhist guilt. That guilt says I shouldn't consume more than I need, so I must look at the magazines eventually because otherwise that would be a waste.

So I quickly pawed through the tables of contents, and found I really should have cancelled The Writer after a year. All the articles were pretty much the same half-dozen, telling one how to be a best-seller. They all would start with numbers, such as "7 Ways to Start a Novel," "14 Things Every Writer Should Know to Get Published," "5 Ways You Really Will F*ck Yourself" You get the drift. Now if I can squeeze in the time, I really want to do more dumping of the guilt and get rid of all this stuff plaguing me: too many library books, too many little googaws squirreled away, filling my closets to the brim.

And I really want to write my novel.

The trouble is I have a hard time saying no. A new friend told me I'm like a raccoon (or I think a crow): I like shiny things, I am easily distracted by the new bright luminous thing or bit of knowledge that life has to offer. I am so grateful that I have such goodness in my life: Buddhism, polyamory, my relationships, friendships, Buddhist Peace Fellowship. I'm grateful I can support Buddhism in Portland, but the organizing that comes with that takes a lot of time.

So I have a full life, but well, I may not get that novel done before I'm 50, and I just turned 38.

Speaking of organizing, Change Your Mind Day: A Buddhist Festival was a great success. Pictures are here, more to come. This year, thankfully, Tricycle did follow through and publish a report about us.

Ok, gotta dash...

Fun With Google News Alerts

I've set up a few google news alerts to let me know every time certain subjects pop up. For instance, I want to know every time "Buddhist Peace Fellowship" surfaces in the news. I also am quite curious to hear about polyamory in the news. It gets interesting as Google includes many sites as "news" sources that I normally wouldn't stumble across: Some of them blogs, some of them conservative Christian "news" sources like WorldNetDaily. Their motto is "A Free Press For a Free People". The headline across the top today, really an ad for a book: "'Miracles' driving massive growth of Christianity."

Those folks at WorldNetDaily are really concerned about polyamory, of course, and any other wild deviance that defies their God. In December this columnist thought he'd be funny about a conference held by the American Academy of Religion. Tried to say he was bored thinking about all that deviant sexuality (when he was the one that cooked up all those titles to amuse and horrify the prudish readers).

And then there's the National Review Online, where contributing editor Stanley Kurtz continued to attempt the polyamory scare tactic over gay marriage rights. The old, next thing you know, more than two people can marry....can't have that...

I started doing this when the news alert was still the beta version. Back then, limiting quotes didn't work, so for "Buddhist Peace Fellowship" I sometimes got obscure Christian missionary treatises with strategies to convert Buddhists.

Now that limiting quotes do work, I've also plugged in "open relationship". There's an amazing number of articles that come up about parents keeping an "open relationship" with their kids, or businesses keeping an "open relationship" with their customers through blogs. But thanks to that little search, I got the scoop on Will Smith's coming out. (Didn't Hollywood invent open relationships?) But then, there was the contradicting story, where he appears to deny he came out as poly. OK, I know, old news now and probably a ploy to draw attention to his movie Hitch.

It's usually nice to see polyamory come up in Q&A columns. They're usually pretty straightforward and accepting. At Proudparenting.com, "Dear Ari" gives worthy advice on "building unconventional families."

Google includes a news source I won't find on my library's list of news sites: college and university student papers. Like the advice columns, these are usually accepting as well as exploratory.

Usually I get some paper's religion calendar for "Buddhist Peace Fellowship". Today I got a fairly local religion calendar for the polyamory alert. I finally find near the bottom that the Unitarians will have a sermon titled "From Abstinence to Polyamory". Those wacky Unitarians, if you don't fit in anywhere, you just might fit in there. They are at least poly-friendly. Funny thing about the Corvallis religion calendar, what I found most useful were the Buddhist calendar listings...more contacts for my address book, and another strategy for finding new Buddhist contacts.

A Poem

Funny how that happens, spring arrives and one of those sap-is-rising poems comes to me.


spring's song

the wind
wraps around
my calves
travels up
under my short skirt

a teasing suggestion
of a hand
asking permission
to enter

to ravish me
and celebrate
the lascivious display
of life all around