Another Writing Venue

I am still working on the Psyche and Eros series. I got bogged down with wanting to write about things not appropriate for an any age audience, so I started another blog behind an over-18 wall. I am happy to say I am still writing and eager to write.

More is coming here soon. That and the holidays have taken up my time, as well as my adventures in dating.

If you want to get on a private email list for the content of the new blog, send me a private message.  I write there about the same sorts of things as I do here, but the focus and the content is generally suitable for adults only.  Only ask if you are comfortable with reading the intimate details, well-written, if feedback so far is to be believed.

It is titled Soft Animal Body. The inspiration comes from Mary Oliver's poem Wild Geese. This pretty much sums up the theme.

You do not have to be good. 

You do not have to walk on your knees 

For a hundred miles through the desert, repenting. 

You only have to let the soft animal of your body love what it loves. 

Tell me about your despair, yours, and I will tell you mine. 

Meanwhile the world goes on. 

 

Adventures in Dating

The good news is that my campaign to lift myself out of depression is working.  That bad news is that it is keeping me too busy to find time to write, though I have been percolating with ideas, and that wasn't happening when I was depressed. I've also been too busy to read so much. As a bonus, I've found that I want to be more active...and here I was beating myself up for not being active enough, with that inactivity affecting my health.  It proves once again my hypothesis if everything is working the way it should, we will do what is right for our bodies.  I was depressed, and didn't feel like getting out and moving.  In fact, it could hurt more, aches and pains, getting older. Not so depressed, there is lightness in my step, and I feel invigorated rather than fatigued.  So the lesson once again is, rather than place the blame on laziness, look for the reasons underlying the symptom.

Mondrian's Composition in Brown and Gray

Just the knowledge that I've been depressed helped me lift myself out, some.  Thanks to my Buddhist training, I have the skill to catch a thought at its inception (sometimes) and when I could catch that thought, I could also make a choice.  I would say to myself, "Oh, there's that depressed impulse again. I don't need to fall into it."  And I would look up, rather than hunker down in. Let me say that I don't think people who are ill can just decide not to be sick, and people with depression can just decide not to be depressed.  In my case, I am not naturally prone to depression, and I don't think I was severely depressed, though it must have been going on for a long time. With this awareness, I could steer myself toward my more natural positive state of mind.

The other main action has been my adventures in dating.  I can't count the ways I am grateful for my relationship with my sweetie, nor can words say how deeply I love him.  I believe our freedom makes this deep love possible.  We are a lot of things to each other, but we don't have to provide everything the other wants or likes, nor do we expect it from each other. I have no reason to be resentful or disappointed, and I'm not.  He loves me even though I'm a pack rat and leave messy habitats wherever I go!  When has a couple been evenly matched on how often they want to have sex? When have they been interested in the same exact things? What we do expect is honesty and consideration; these are the signs our relationship is healthy. On my adventures in dating, I have the freedom to seek what I need with the comfort of knowing my existing love will not be torn apart.

Just as an aside, I learned a few things about this particular scene.  One thing, online dating is the thing for us fat women.  All I have to do is wait, and those who are looking for someone exactly like me come and find me.  I don't have to approach only to be rejected.  They find me!  Another thing, there are a lot of way younger guys who are looking for older, large women.  What's up with that?  I was talking to another quite bosomy woman who is thirty-three. (I, if you haven't been keeping up, am forty-five.)  We were comparing our experiences with online dating. She said she seems to attract older, creepy guys. I said I too have had interest from some older guys, but have been surprised by how many younger men are interested in me, and not just geek boys (who are sexy) but fit, athletic guys.  Just that alone patches up a whole bunch of tears in self-esteem that might still exist from years of being considered too fat to be sexy.  When I said she should go to the site I'm using, she said, "Oh, I'm too young."  They might be twenty, but these particular guys are looking for me, not her.  Baffling, but hey! I'm not looking for that much younger, but I'll give them a chance.

Another thing learned, sexting is the thing they're into.  Instead of talking on the phone and getting excited, or chatting online, they're looking for sexy texting.  Oh, that is hard on my thumbs.  And then sometimes it turns out that's all they are looking for, and when it comes time to actually meet me in person, they turn into flakes. Hmmm.   Finally, I've learned it's a little suspicious if they don't post a photo as part of their profile...could be a sign of cheating.  This is the thing that's difficult to navigate.  I don't want to poach, so the ones who are honest are left to continue suffering, but the liars get to cheat all they want until their actions start to reveal their secrets.  I feel for the honest ones, I do...they aren't getting what they need, and they don't see a way to find it in their existing relationship. They still love, but don't know how to fix what's broken. I think the sexting without follow-through may be related to this, that these guys are seeking stimulation without it seeming to be cheating.

If you're reading, you who don't want to be cheating dogs, you need to be brave and talk to her. Tell her what you've always wanted and haven't been able to find with her, but that you love her. And that you want her to have a way to find what she's always wanted too.  We always change, all of us, and our needs change, while our love remains.  Yes, the monogamist way is often to break it off, to allow the love to wither, and to seek the next monogamous partner that newly meets our needs. Or to cheat. Sometimes, and this has to be very hard, steer the changes together so that the two still mesh.  Sometimes this is possible, many loves, to seek new loves, or simply to date, while consciously nurturing this love you've dedicated so much of your life to.  How could you tear it apart? You could be surprised. If you are careful, and considerate, and take it slowly, you could find what you're looking for and keep what you have.

Psyche looks upon the divine Eros

I've found those endorphins I needed. I found that boosts to the ego sure help lift depression as well.  I've had some awkward encounters, some nice encounters, some really hot encounters, and one very profound encounter. At the time I told him I felt we touched a bit of heaven.  Later I told him I felt the act we shared opened a gateway and returned a piece of me to me, and it was a sacred moment.  All these encounters helped with endorphins, but this one, I think, brought the healing I needed.  Then, of course, I struggled with attaching to that and falling a little bit in love...how could I not?  Classic Eros and Psyche. (That's another writing project.)

Queen, Princess, or Butch?

I joined a friend for her monthly Ladies' Night Out, and enjoyed getting to know some great people.  There were some stories of dating, and how the single ladies could meet people.  The experiences that rose to my mind from my past were too risque for me to share on a first meeting. The stories began as one lady shared her recent experience of getting too many phone calls from an irate wife over a man she'd met who'd claimed to be divorced.  These are the hazards women must face when dating people they don't know.  We spent much time talking about how we married types could play matchmaker for our single friends.

Near the end my friend referred back to her calling herself a princess, but really, she thinks of herself as a queen, joking.  (I'd be happy to treat her as a queen.)  As I picked up my Red Tango purse with cat logo, I said "You wouldn't think so considering my purse and all my rhinestones, but I think of myself as butch, so not a princess."  Expressions of disbelief, of course.  I found myself reflecting on this.  Internally, I really don't see myself as feminine, and I had to think more about why that is.

Externally, I do sport some feminine things: rhinestone eyeglasses and pins; a small pink purse; skirts, never pants; long hair. It was even more difficult to defend my butch feeling last night, as the skirt I wore was not my usual plain denim, and my long hair was held up with a hair clip showcasing more rhinestones. There are other aspects about myself that are more butch, though, and while I think of the rhinestones as fun accessories, I think of my other more butch tendencies as more fundamental to me.

I am not much of a clothes fashionista.  I pretty much take what I can get, so this may be accidental karma. As a fat woman, I don't have much choice...though these days I have much more available than decades past.  I've never liked frilly, and it's pretty rare that I will choose a print over a solid color.  I think of my plain denim skirt as my "jeans."  I find it more comfortable and a better look for my body type than actual jeans, so I still think of my skirt as butch...that and my normal footwear are Ecco boots.  These were not in evidence last night, as my friend had invited us to "dress up" if we wished.  Instead, I wore my closest to dress up shoes, my trip-hazardly Danskos.  Oh, and I never wear makeup, nor a bra.

Those are the externals, but I find myself intrigued by what I think of as my internal feeling of being butch, despite my crow-like attraction to sparklies.  Aside from fashion, this is a larger question, of gender identity.  The men I like have high emotional intelligence, can keep up a meandering conversation, are around my height, no taller, are about as smart as me.  My sweetie is a bear type, of the dark-haired variety, certainly what I find attractive, but I also often find the androgynous look very attractive.  Among women, I find the feminine look attractive, but for me to admire, not to be. I communicate directly, don't do well with hints, or hint much myself.  I've never been interested in being supported, but to make my own way.  I could be wrong, but I think of these things as more butch than femme.

Some of my internal feeling cannot be separated from how I am responded to by others.  As a lifelong fat person,  I am rarely flirted with.  When there is sexual tension, or that rare flirting, I tend to be forward and direct.  Rather than getting or expecting to get the admiration, I am free with the compliments.  I'll let the queen know just how beauteous she is.

Maybe what it comes down to is at heart I find gender identity a construct.  When I unfold the layers, when I find me at the core, I just am.  Not feminine, not masculine.  And what is the default?  Masculine.  Which gender historically has choice, drive, independence, objectivity?  Masculine.  That's not really what makes one masculine or feminine, but that is what we inherit, and after digging, and finding my core identity to be about equal footing, I begin to see this is why I'd tip my identity more to the masculine side, and I begin to see how silly it is to try to pin down a true gender identity.  Maybe it's better to keep it a joke.  Of course I am a queen too! Do my bidding, good subjects.

Facebook snippets from the past month

While I've been absent here, I've said little things here and there on Facebook. If you hook up with me there, you can keep updated not only with this blog, but with my links saved on delicio.us, my books reviewed on Goodreads, and my photos posted to Flickr. There's also Flixster, so I'm thinking of keeping track of my movies there rather than IMDB.

Here's some of my updates from Facebook (sorry FB friends...you can just ignore this):

February 10: I watched this thanks to Choten’s recommendation.

February 10: I walked home among snowflakes larger than a cat's paw. I said, "Helloow crow! Do you like the snow?" (nobody had a response to that)

February 18: I'm putting some final touches on, and practicing my flannel board story. It's based on "Moving Day" by Robert Kalan, about a hermit crab finding a new shell

February 21: listening to "The Absolutely True Diary of a Part-Time Indian," written and spoken by Sherman Alexie. I am in love.

February 22: The sticker machine was a big hit in Dharma School this am. I talked to my dad this pm. Found out last week was worrisome, but he seems ok now.

February 25: I said this

this doesn't seem a bit neutral, but a bunch of quibbling about generalizations labeled as fact so they can make generalizations. I wonder if this country will ever stop harping about chump change, when the biggest corporate welfare handout deals in the art of violence and destruction. over 1 trillion dollars a year to militarism, and they're worried somebody might get a deal with their 1/4 million dollar mortgage over-extension?

in response to this link posted by Cynthia.

February 25: I posted this article about the library. and as you can see, got into a little online tiff.

March 6: I posted this after Terri posted it, and said,

it's funny how when there's all that squawking about big government spending, about handouts, about the cost of helping people get the basics of food, shelter, and health...there's no mention of the cost of warmongering and ubiquitous militarism.

Two people liked it.

March 6: This comment I made: “you know you're really a Buddhist when you get over being A Good Buddhist” on this article and made someone laugh.

March 6: I finally cleaned up the clutter in my library. I had to so I could find the book I need for Dharma School. It wasn't there...it was on my desk.

March 7: I tried to buy this. I was outbid by Domyo.

March 7: Ack! I just realized I prepared a different Dharma School lesson than I intended, but it's for the best. New plan is better.

March 9: I won a prize without doing anything. They're sending it tomorrow. http://trimet.org/pdfs/employers/toworkwi09.pdf page 3; now I'm off to my massage.

March 11: I got my new cpap machine. this one self-adjusts air pressure. maybe now I will sleep better.

March 11: I'm learning about dogs, and which ones get along with cats. I thought I'd wait til summer's over for a new animal friend but I don't think I can wait.

March 12: I got my prize from trimet: the book “Walk There: 50 treks in and around Portland and Vancouver.” My friend Mary gets the book.

Finding Space for This Love

The lovely Mon-Mon left a comment on my series This Space of Love that I felt deserved a response. She said, "I find myself coming time and again to your post... especially when I am lost. I want to believe I love unconditionally, without expectations. And yet, I have a love who causes me pain, who has expectations and I don't know what to do. I want to love her without expecting anything back but I can't handle the pain loving her brings. These are my thoughts this fine day..."

My first thought was that Mon-Mon needs to trust that the pain will ease. It always does, because we always change. When I fall in love, a new me is created. The me that loves this person is open and raw, loving this connection, confused by this connection. As the moments stack up, this me becomes larger, and there is more space for the pain, or the pain becomes less, or less important. Keep in mind, my friend, that you know this is a moment in time when you feel this seemingly unbearable pain: you give me a clue you know when you say "These are my thoughts this fine day..." There will be more highs, more lows, and more blissful moments of perfect joy.

If I fight the pain, the pain gains its own strength. I would feed it by trying to fight it or trying to avoid it. If I allow the pain to be part of me and part of the love, it becomes no more than what it is. It's still not easy. I do my share of obsession, of wishing, of experiencing dashed expectations. Finding the space to love means noticing those moments and letting them go. It means noticing those moments where everything is just OK, just perfect, and encouraging those moments to extend. Give those moments more attention than the negative ones. If you think you can't handle it, you can't handle it. If you think you can get through this, you'll be more likely to get through this. I think a good bit of the pain is not knowing where this will lead. Maybe part of being able to love without expectations is being able to love without knowing where it will go. It helps to know there will be pain. Regardless of what I do, or the other does, the forging of a new self and a new relationship generates heat, friction, and yes, pain.

Come to think of it, the more I can be happy with this love as it is offered, however it is offered, the less pain I feel. It's more a matter of accepting than expecting. Maybe you need to accept that you can't meet all her expectations, and that doesn't make your love any less valid. It sounds as though you are working on no expectations, but at the same time, demands are being made of you that you can't meet. Is it possible to reframe the conflict? What are the needs that are not being met, really? If you can't meet expectations in the form she asks for, is it possible to meet the need behind the expectations in a form you can give?

Sometimes pain comes from not being able to articulate needs for the other. It could be you express yourselves that speak past each other rather than to each other...styles of communication that come from your cultural differences that shaped each of you.

It could be needs arise out of fears that are expressed as expectations. Can the fears be brought to light, so needs can be addressed directly rather than through conflict?

I have learned it is possible to give more than I would have expected I could, and that does not take away from me. If I find somehow it does take away from me, or from my relationships, then it's time for me to reconsider how much I have to give. This pain will not kill me (unless I nurture it to the point of suicidal depression...and that's not going to happen), so it's possible to endure and find the fulfilling empathy that comes after. It helps to remember the pain of love sparks a biochemical process, and those biochemical processes can be turned around with beneficial actions. Do exciting things, learn something new, play, exercise, experience new things. Not only do these help take your mind off things, they help turn around the biochemicals causing those lows.

This Space of Love

In Redefining our Relationships, Wendy-O Matik says, "There is a tendency to want to put love in a tight frame, easily defined, and then put it on a shelf to over- or underanalyze. But love is far too clever to cooperate on this insignificant level." So, it could be said, is the self that touches buddha nature.

During the fervent fertile years of my Buddhist practice, when I spent much time digging and tilling in myself during Zen retreats, I experienced a fear at times, a trepidation over some next step, some next digging. I don't remember the specific question, but I remember the teacher's answer, "Perhaps you are bigger than you think you are." The small self of the ego tries to protect its walls through defensive posturing, through shrinking into corners, through over- or under-analyzing. Visually I always picture my friend Patrick, who (years ago) put his arm up over his face, bent elbow sticking out both as sword and shield, gleefully reducing the fearful ego to a tiny armor-bound body that clearly couldn't see beyond those sharp-edged walls.

I was finding that big self that needed no sharp elbows, that could see and be seen. Step by step, my zen teachers and my sangha, my beloved spiritual community, helped me expand my self beyond, always going on beyond that little defensive self.

I was learning to love myself. I didn't really know what love was, until it burst off that little shelf and knocked me sideways when I was thirty years old. "There is no place to rest," my buddha nature said. "Nope, you have to learn to love with your whole heart, your whole body, your whole mind." I thought I had come into my own. I thought I had become who I was meant to be. I had. I had learned to love myself. I had learned clarity. I thought I had come to an end, but it was only the beginning.

Wendy also said, "To give without expecting something in return is the ultimate gift of love, but it takes practice." If those first ten years of my Buddhist practice were all about finding the me I was meant to be, this second ten years have been all about forgetting about me, and learning to love without expectation. I don't mean a kind of love that still sets you apart. It's easy to love from inside a monastery on a hill. No, I'm talking about passionate involvement, along with all the psychic bumps and scrapes that come with negotiating the balance of attachment and nonattachment, with diving headfirst into feelings and connections and needs and revulsions. It takes practice.

Being poly, I got to get a lot of practice! Now, I'm not talking just about romantic love. The more I've experienced of that, the more I'm inclined to resist those boundaries. Love is love is love. There are different flavors of love. Each relationship I have, each love I have, has its own flavor, its own urgency, its own rhythm, its own boundaries. All these connections, all my relationships, flow from this love within me that is the same, a pure intention and movement in the direction of good wishes, kindness, compassion. Sometimes that pure intention and movement toward particular persons includes sexuality, sometimes it must exclude sex, but include loving affection. All those monumental rides and crashing highs and lows that came with romantic love helped me open up to a more passionate caring love for my platonic-flavored loves. Those bumps and scrapes prepared me for greater ease with a tender heart. They gave me a tender heart.


I was inspired to try to express this by my newfound blogger friend, Rachel, and her post about How She Found Out She's Poly. She fell in love. She still loved her husband. The feeling and the secret were tearing her apart. She confessed. Her husband had an interesting response:

Now I would call such a thing a "crush", because I believe you shouldn't call something "love" until your souls have mingled, and that takes intimacy and time. I think you can easily have crushes on other people without it affecting love for your partner.

I don't like using that word, crush. Or infatuation. Or even NRE for new relationship energy. I still prefer to say "falling in love". The first smashes the feeling down as insignificant. Indeed that was the intent of the man I quoted. If a feeling is made insignificant, crushed down and made small, well then it will be small. This is what most of us do to ourselves. We have an opportunity for expansion, and we do our damnedest to shrink it down to something we can control and kick around. The second belittles the love, makes it something that doesn't even qualify as love. Love is relegated to some lofty exclusive realm that only certain people are allowed to receive, while others are only worthy of receiving a delusion. The third, so clinical. At least not a delusion, but still not worthy yet of inclusion in this space of love.

Later he says,

I think about human nature, and the way that love can make us irrational and jealous and giddy and happy and sad... Love between two is complicated enough!

Indeed love can be overwhelming with the giddiness and the sadness, but with more experience, more practice, it becomes easier to steer, easier to transform and redirect those strong feelings. You may not be able to control it on that little shelf, but it can be possible to steer it in a general direction. I have learned too that love between two can be simple enough. When we don't have to share all the same interests, the same hobbies, or even the same sexual tastes, it becomes easier to love and accept each other just as we are. The points of conflict become less when we don't expect to have so many points aligned. Not so complicated, we can simply share this space of love.

There's more that Rachel inspired me to say, but I'll take that up in the next installment. Go here for part 2.

Polyamory is not more work

A monogamous friend of mine responded to my post on Steve's and my declaration of unconditional love for each other. I asked my friend if I could quote him, because he sparked a response in me. He said, "Try to be kind. I'm off the cuff."

So my friend said:

I am so glad you had the epiphany regarding Steve and being "stuck" in town on Monday night. A lot of folks would tell you that you wouldn't reach that loving understanding unless you were monogamous. But see, you can as a polyamorous couple too- if your intentions are pure. I think we monogs tend to view the polys as sluts looking for a lay, or as people looking for acceptance through multiple sexual encounters- so why get married? Well, I think you answered that question admirably- just seems like a lot of work to come back to realize you have what you want right there in front of you.

I am so glad you had the epiphany regarding Steve and being "stuck" in town on Monday night.

This is just a tangent (or is it?) but it wasn't really an epiphany. I think we both knew this, and we were finally getting a chance to say it to each other. Lest people think we didn't have time to say it because we're too busy with other people, not true. It's Steve's job that is the whore (I kid) keeping him from spending time with me, and with Krissy. Regardless, when we do have the chance to spend time together like this, quiet, sharing, undistracted, it is a treasure. There's something to be said for yearning for more time together, rather than too much time together.

A lot of folks would tell you that you wouldn't reach that loving understanding unless you were monogamous.

And here I was trying to convey my theory that I don't think we could have achieved this depth of understanding if monogamous. There are various reasons my first marriage did not reach this depth of love, but I know my first wanted this condition on my love, that I not look at other men as desirable or attractive.

My love with Steve has been tested through all that. I have fallen in love with other people, I have made mistakes many people make when giddy in love. Any fears I may have had, residuals from that first jealous marriage, melted away when I experienced this one loving me through it all. Any fears either of us may have had that love for others could lessen our love for each other fell away when we found this love only got deeper and stronger.

Indeed what I was trying to say that with each new experience of love I have found the capacity of my heart grow bigger. New doorways open in my heart, and because they are not secret or closed off, my internal heart house just keeps expanding. I have loved some who I would have turned away from if I expected them to be my one and only. I have learned it is possible to love more intimately those who I do not get naked with...like this friend. My precious moments I find to spend with Steve inform my attitude toward those precious moments I spend with my platonic friends that I have loved for much longer.

These things are possible in monogamy, but I witness many monogs riding on the coattails of expectations. Many monogamous relationships wither and die or become bitter or worse because people expect the form to carry them through, not the effort that any relationship takes. There is no guarantee that love gets deeper, and I'm not quite sure why folks think monogamy brings this depth of love about, in and of itself.

But see, you can as a polyamorous couple too- if your intentions are pure. I think we monogs tend to view the polys as sluts looking for a lay, or as people looking for acceptance through multiple sexual encounters- so why get married?

So many sad judgments and assumptions found in this. Not only that poly people are sluts, but that it's bad to be a slut. That it's bad to want sex for sex's sake, that it's bad to feel good about one's self through sexual encounters, that seeking multiple sexual encounters means you feel incomplete. Saddest assumption of all, that marriage is defined by sexual commitment, and not a love and compatibility that includes sexual attraction. Certain monogs think of polys this way because this is where they focus their attention. Yes, my friend, I have noticed you like to hear about my sexcapades. I like to please, so those are the stories you get.

Similar things can be observed about some monogs: they are looking for a guaranteed lay; they seek acceptance through the appearance of a lifelong commitment; they don't trust that someone can be committed unless that someone has sex with them exclusively.

Monogamous people see polyamorous people as indulgent because that's how they view sex with more than one in their framework. Sex outside a commitment means betraying that commitment. It means making a mistake and coming back to the default, monogamous. If they have not experienced honest open relationships, they cannot know that it takes more responsibility.

In the framework of polyamory, sex outside a relationship is not a mistake, it is an affirmation. Love for more than one enhances, doesn't take away, from pre-existing loves. Sex is not a commodity, but an intimacy that can be shared as meaningfully as confessions. It can be a gift. It can be a sharing of wealth.

Love need not be withheld due to unworthiness of monogamy. I have learned there can be a certain stinginess to love in monogamous thinking, and I learned that because that stinginess clung to my experiences in loving others, causing mistakes that I could have avoided if I simply allowed the love to be what it would be.

My understanding of the Buddhist precept 'do not misuse sexuality' has been profoundly informed by my experience as a poly person. For me to expect others' sexuality to conform to my own as the more righteous form, that would be misusing sexuality. For me to hold the sexuality of another bound to me and me alone, that would be stealing their autonomy, their right to decide what they can do with their own body. To me, that is indulgent.

Well, I think you answered that question admirably- just seems like a lot of work to come back to realize you have what you want right there in front of you.

It may be a roller-coaster ride at times, my friend, but it is not work. Ultimately, it is a joy. Steve said the work is in convincing people like you that this works just fine, thanks. I find the work has been getting over the traps set for me by monogamous thinking, and well-meaning monogamous mentors. I hope I have convinced you that my joy in my love with Steve comes from my heart-opening experiences in polyamory. While I cannot know for sure I could have come to this without that...that is another lifeline some other Heidi in some parallel universe has experienced...and while it's possible me being me I might have got there eventually...I truly believe that this is the graduate school of the heart. The more practice at loving with various people I get to have, the better I am at choosing love, simply love, without conditions and with wisdom.

Love you!

The Multiplicity of No-Self

I have been practicing Zen Buddhism for 16 years. Remember the Zen joke: What did the Zen monk say to the hot dog vendor? ..."Make me one with everything." It might seem odd then that I focus on multiplicity. Zen is also popularly known for its paradoxes, but on a deep level, there is no paradox.

Throughout the nearly ten years that we have kept this commitment, my Zen teacher has advised me "Be authentic." and "Don't be afraid to make a mistake." Here comes my attempt to be authentic, in a public way.

A fundamental concept in Zen is the notion of no-self. Ultimately, the self has no form it can call its own, permanently and undividedly. Often people may get involved in Buddhism thinking the only way to understand this would be to have an enlightenment experience, I certainly did. I have not had that experience, but I think I understand this. In order to introduce the subject, we in our sangha will say, "think of it as no-permanent-self". I am not the same self as the little girl seeking acceptance on the playground, nor the same self as the weight-conscious teenager, nor the same as the philosophizing college student. I am not the same self that began writing this blog.

On the other hand, I do contain that little girl, that teenager, that college student. Just to complicate things, those selves that make up me have been changed by time and memory and subsequent experiences. Sometimes their faces emerge and influence actions I may make today. All my experiences, all the conditions that have gone into the mix to make up me, they are pieces of me. They are my selves, distinct and changing. Is there something between the distinctive pieces? I have had glimpses of that emptiness, at least, I think that's what it is.

Looking at the no-self from another angle, we have certain selves that arise in certain conditions. Family gatherings invoke one self, nights out with friends another, spiritual gatherings yet another self. This multitude of selves may not exist continuously, separately, but arise and are born, or reborn, as the occasion demands. We Buddhists like to say this is possible thanks to that emptiness, possible only because there is no inherent self.

I have also learned and experienced that through the practice of awareness, my sense of self became less rigid. Any person who takes up a mindfulness practice will find there must be a period of time to work through karmic knots: those past conditions and experiences that influenced our current being raise their ugly and not-so-ugly heads and demand to be unentangled. More and more, those conditions have less influence and we can meet whatever is in front of us. A multiplicity of options open up. Notions of right or wrong begin to have less to do with societal constraints and those karmic conditions, and more to do with an internal sense of truth.

This multiplicity of selves exist in relationship to something or someone. Just as my notion of my self has become more fluid, so has my notion of relationships. The usual boxes dissolve, and a multiplicity of options in relationships open up. More on that later.