Thursday, May 08, 2008

self-imposed weights

I have so many things I have responsibilites to do, and so many things besides that I've wanted to do, that I've crashed and become overwhelmed. Usually when I feel like I have an overwhelming to-do list, I make that list, and pick out the thing that looks easiest or most fun to do, and then the thing that is most important.

For some reason that is not working for me. So the to-do list is even more menacing and weighty and there's this wall that I can't seem to get around, especially around plans for the annual Buddhist Festival. There is a person involved that seems determined to make every step difficult, and I worry that his self-promotional efforts include sabatoging others to make himself look better. (OK it looks slightly less weighty now that I looked at the permit and I have until May 22, not May 19 as I was thinking, to get those permit tasks done.)

I've been depressed over this, and asking myself is there something else going on, something I'm not looking at, and no, I can't find anything, just this loop of not living up to intentions and feeling bad and thus not living up to intentions. And I have to remind myself that sometimes the root cause cannot be found, maybe sometimes there is no psychological root cause and I'm just depressed, maybe it's the long cold lightless spring, maybe it's low seratonin from various chronic pains.

I'm not usually depressed, so it's harder for me to find that still center to cope, I think. People who are usually depressed, if they've adjusted, they know where to find the inner reserves to ride it through.

I finished Pema Chodron, but part of this weight is the posts I didn't get a chance to do. They're still coming. I read chapter 2 of People's History. That too is waiting in the wings. Even the last write-up of Unnatural Causes, still waiting to be distilled from notes. The list goes on. I went to see HH the Dalai Lama and Desmond Tutu, among others. Those notes also await writing. Even further back, notes from our BPF presentation on Burma and how to help Burmese refugees (that was in January). Oh, and I haven't mentioned my Dharma School writeups, sooooo behind on them. Then there are photos. I went to my mentee's Catholic confirmation, and have thoughts about that. All things I want to do, but so many that as soon as I sit at the desk, the energy saps into the floor and I just can't click on "create post." OK, then there's Buddhist articles due next week. Those, I think at least I will get done. I'm better at following through for others.

I just had to say that. Maybe if I confess, the silliness of this wall will dissolve, and I can again move forward out of this malaise.

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